A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
