Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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