woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
