Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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