Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
