hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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