Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
