I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
So. Much. Porn.
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