If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
