dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
