I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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