i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
