Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
