Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
