Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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