1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
