A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
