He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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