i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
