I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
