over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
