I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
