Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
