i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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