I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I cannot find my penis.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
