Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
