if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
