My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
ttyl tear gas
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
