I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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