Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
