when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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