We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
