How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
