My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
