I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
