my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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