Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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