yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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