I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
