i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
