Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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