I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
