Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
