either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
