I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
