On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
