I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
