the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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