i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
