not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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